"I spent a good portion of my youth unconsciously longing for paternal guidance." This hit me hard even as someone who had a father. He was around just not really present in my life. I look at my six-month-old daughter and vow to not be that way. Knowing my nature can help me nurture.
I can’t remember any wise words from my alcoholic, always womanizing sometimes abusive father. Tho my mother told me, in my last HS year, to “f**k anybody, but marry a friend.” Advice I followed, but only the second part is good: marry a friend.
Boy Scouts, reading, and grandparents helped reduce fatherlessness issues for me, and he did provide me with an example to avoid.
Being a good father is, often tho not always, hard work. Also often fun, and meaningful. Glad to have 4 kids & already 3 grandkids, who are even more fun with less work.
Men often talk much less, and repeat a few key insights more often, than their wives.
Having a father around has another benefit that is rarely mentioned. They are far more comfortable being disagreeable than mothers. I found it much easier to talk my way out of doing something I didn’t want to do (e.g. chores, schoolwork) if I was dealing with my Mom as opposed to my Dad. Males generally speaking are less conscientious than females, and Fathers instinctively know this. My dad would always be bugging me about whether I had cut the grass liked he had asked (and not in a sweet tone of voice either). It would always piss me off. Why would I cut the grass in 80 degree heat when the Yankees were on TV?
And is there a similar correlation with not having a mother?
What about daughters without a father? I have read that daughters without a father have more emotional/phycological issues. Also there is a tendency for fatherless women to have more trouble with weight and eating disorders.
Also, not all fathers are created equal. What is the benefit to a child having an over-bearing and/or abusive father?
I tend to believe in the Joseph Campbell observation of successful tribes moving members from mother's-child, father's-child and then finally to adult. Missing either of the first two (unconditional love and nurturing, and then tough love) results in a development-stalled adult-aged child. Some can power through but also might fight demons the rest of their life.
But given this, I don't think it is so much mother and father as it is mother-role and father-role in raising a child. Of course the odds are greater that a real mother and father will play those roles better than others; but then again maybe not. The damage done by a real mother or father that is really bad at the role might be greater than what might occur if the child has these roles satisfied by the involvement of others... of if bad enough, maybe not at all.
Personally, my mother was fantastic at her mother role, but not my father as he had mental health issues in his late 20s. However, I tuned out pretty well. If I had to live my life all over again, I would continue to value what my mother provided over what I missed from my father.
My recommendation to everyone that grows up lacking either is to figure out how to provide yourself what is missing. I am my own father. I provide myself the tough love that my mentally ill father could not. I look to examples of good men and good fathers and learn how to emulate them. I compartmentalize my emotional pain and tamp down any self-pity for my less-than-perfect life, and focus on what is now and what is in my future. Frankly, I forget much of the past as it isn't relative to my life except for those events that are crucibles and milestones of learning.
But, I value fathers and think our social trends are blowing it with the feminist ideology of anti-male, anti-marriage, anti-father. I somehow knew that after we legalized gay marriage, we would see a break in gender relations as more women would adopt a single or lesbian life. Combined with changes to the economy resulting in fewer men being the family breadwinner, the good father goal would be shattered.
The good news is this gender mess is that fewer children are born... and thus fewer fatherless children are pushed into a life of stalled development to well-functioning adult.
Good article with extremely important implications. I was fortunate to be among those who take for granted the effects of growing up in a stable, loving (though with considerable issues) family. The ways that the nature of adulthood are communicated from parents to children are surely beyond our understanding, but the environment of having continuous parental role models has a significant impact - as does its absence.
On a side note, I’ve considered before who I know that I would want available to help on “millionaire” and I wouldn’t choose my dad. Though he knew a lot, like me, the depth of knowledge that he had was concentrated in practical life areas. Instead, I would ask my brother-in-law. He’s an artist, and holds a remarkable wealth of useless information (though he couldn’t tell you which end of a hammer to hold). And millionaire being a trivia show, the random categories quizzed are by definition, trivial. Different strokes…
The need for positive, strong father figures cannot be overstated. Thank you, Rob. You have used your personal life stories to articulate to the world what we are all witnessing and living. My hope is others will find you and learn to break the cycle of abandonment and dysfunction. Our entire way of life depends on it.
"And that imparted the lesson that spending time with others and celebrating special occasions (even ones meant for you) isn’t about you, it’s about everyone else."
On Father's Day, I cooked a big breakfast for my family. Bacon, eggs, steak, toast, etc. My daughter said I got the eggs perfect. Then she said something along the lines of "But shouldn't we be doing something for you on father's day?" and I said "That's not what being a father means to me. Being a father is about what I do for my family, so this is the right way to celebrate Father's Day."
A highly readable and insightful exploration of male communication style and contest is found in Walter Ong’s “Fighting for Life: Contest, Sexuality, and Consciousness “ (https://www.amazon.com/Fighting-Life-Contest-Sexuality-Consciousness/dp/0801478456/). He describes the male instinctive need for contest and direct communication. A father will tell you directly when you’re wrong and set you straight. A mother will not or just nag/threaten impotently. Especially for a boy, a father who is even antagonistic can help the son develop his manly sense of standing up to a man which he cannot find in standing up to a woman like his single mother.
My parents divorced when I was young. My time with my dad was minimal, yet to this day things he said to me are forever etched in my being. For dads out there please know how powerful your presence and words are to your children.
this is the sort of post you need to find the time to write. perhaps you can expand on the sort of anecdote you describe with your military colleague and how you currently place a value on that sort of intangible social behaviour displayed. i think your views on how it "takes a village to raise a child (either gender or whatever)" are very illuminating to this old neurotic ny "jew" atheist boomer.
As a kid who also grew up without a father… these articles are always welcomed… and the additional puzzles pieces needed to understand some of my past behaviors.
I look forward to someday read your thoughts on fatherhood from the perspective of a husband and father. You will be a good father and husband.
"I spent a good portion of my youth unconsciously longing for paternal guidance." This hit me hard even as someone who had a father. He was around just not really present in my life. I look at my six-month-old daughter and vow to not be that way. Knowing my nature can help me nurture.
I can’t remember any wise words from my alcoholic, always womanizing sometimes abusive father. Tho my mother told me, in my last HS year, to “f**k anybody, but marry a friend.” Advice I followed, but only the second part is good: marry a friend.
Boy Scouts, reading, and grandparents helped reduce fatherlessness issues for me, and he did provide me with an example to avoid.
Being a good father is, often tho not always, hard work. Also often fun, and meaningful. Glad to have 4 kids & already 3 grandkids, who are even more fun with less work.
Men often talk much less, and repeat a few key insights more often, than their wives.
Rob, please consider a post in response to some substack critiques of Luxury Beliefs, by Helen Dale & Ruxandra Teslo, https://www.writingruxandrabio.com/p/a-better-version-of-luxury-beliefs.
Having a father around has another benefit that is rarely mentioned. They are far more comfortable being disagreeable than mothers. I found it much easier to talk my way out of doing something I didn’t want to do (e.g. chores, schoolwork) if I was dealing with my Mom as opposed to my Dad. Males generally speaking are less conscientious than females, and Fathers instinctively know this. My dad would always be bugging me about whether I had cut the grass liked he had asked (and not in a sweet tone of voice either). It would always piss me off. Why would I cut the grass in 80 degree heat when the Yankees were on TV?
Thank you Henderson!
Nice
What does this say about lesbians raising a son?
And is there a similar correlation with not having a mother?
What about daughters without a father? I have read that daughters without a father have more emotional/phycological issues. Also there is a tendency for fatherless women to have more trouble with weight and eating disorders.
Also, not all fathers are created equal. What is the benefit to a child having an over-bearing and/or abusive father?
I tend to believe in the Joseph Campbell observation of successful tribes moving members from mother's-child, father's-child and then finally to adult. Missing either of the first two (unconditional love and nurturing, and then tough love) results in a development-stalled adult-aged child. Some can power through but also might fight demons the rest of their life.
But given this, I don't think it is so much mother and father as it is mother-role and father-role in raising a child. Of course the odds are greater that a real mother and father will play those roles better than others; but then again maybe not. The damage done by a real mother or father that is really bad at the role might be greater than what might occur if the child has these roles satisfied by the involvement of others... of if bad enough, maybe not at all.
Personally, my mother was fantastic at her mother role, but not my father as he had mental health issues in his late 20s. However, I tuned out pretty well. If I had to live my life all over again, I would continue to value what my mother provided over what I missed from my father.
My recommendation to everyone that grows up lacking either is to figure out how to provide yourself what is missing. I am my own father. I provide myself the tough love that my mentally ill father could not. I look to examples of good men and good fathers and learn how to emulate them. I compartmentalize my emotional pain and tamp down any self-pity for my less-than-perfect life, and focus on what is now and what is in my future. Frankly, I forget much of the past as it isn't relative to my life except for those events that are crucibles and milestones of learning.
But, I value fathers and think our social trends are blowing it with the feminist ideology of anti-male, anti-marriage, anti-father. I somehow knew that after we legalized gay marriage, we would see a break in gender relations as more women would adopt a single or lesbian life. Combined with changes to the economy resulting in fewer men being the family breadwinner, the good father goal would be shattered.
The good news is this gender mess is that fewer children are born... and thus fewer fatherless children are pushed into a life of stalled development to well-functioning adult.
Good article with extremely important implications. I was fortunate to be among those who take for granted the effects of growing up in a stable, loving (though with considerable issues) family. The ways that the nature of adulthood are communicated from parents to children are surely beyond our understanding, but the environment of having continuous parental role models has a significant impact - as does its absence.
On a side note, I’ve considered before who I know that I would want available to help on “millionaire” and I wouldn’t choose my dad. Though he knew a lot, like me, the depth of knowledge that he had was concentrated in practical life areas. Instead, I would ask my brother-in-law. He’s an artist, and holds a remarkable wealth of useless information (though he couldn’t tell you which end of a hammer to hold). And millionaire being a trivia show, the random categories quizzed are by definition, trivial. Different strokes…
The need for positive, strong father figures cannot be overstated. Thank you, Rob. You have used your personal life stories to articulate to the world what we are all witnessing and living. My hope is others will find you and learn to break the cycle of abandonment and dysfunction. Our entire way of life depends on it.
"And that imparted the lesson that spending time with others and celebrating special occasions (even ones meant for you) isn’t about you, it’s about everyone else."
On Father's Day, I cooked a big breakfast for my family. Bacon, eggs, steak, toast, etc. My daughter said I got the eggs perfect. Then she said something along the lines of "But shouldn't we be doing something for you on father's day?" and I said "That's not what being a father means to me. Being a father is about what I do for my family, so this is the right way to celebrate Father's Day."
“I grew up without much fatherly advice. Maybe that’s one reason why I’m so motivated to seek important and useful information and wisdom.”
One reason I’m subscribed to this newsletter.
A highly readable and insightful exploration of male communication style and contest is found in Walter Ong’s “Fighting for Life: Contest, Sexuality, and Consciousness “ (https://www.amazon.com/Fighting-Life-Contest-Sexuality-Consciousness/dp/0801478456/). He describes the male instinctive need for contest and direct communication. A father will tell you directly when you’re wrong and set you straight. A mother will not or just nag/threaten impotently. Especially for a boy, a father who is even antagonistic can help the son develop his manly sense of standing up to a man which he cannot find in standing up to a woman like his single mother.
My parents divorced when I was young. My time with my dad was minimal, yet to this day things he said to me are forever etched in my being. For dads out there please know how powerful your presence and words are to your children.
this is the sort of post you need to find the time to write. perhaps you can expand on the sort of anecdote you describe with your military colleague and how you currently place a value on that sort of intangible social behaviour displayed. i think your views on how it "takes a village to raise a child (either gender or whatever)" are very illuminating to this old neurotic ny "jew" atheist boomer.
Great piece, Rob.
As a kid who also grew up without a father… these articles are always welcomed… and the additional puzzles pieces needed to understand some of my past behaviors.
Precious. Now you can be everybody's dad! Or at least the ones who didn't have one. Seriously.