You are going to be a great father. I married a guy who had not one but two terrible dads. One vicious and cruel, undermining, the other an egomaniac who wanted a lapdog. He is like neither and forgave both. He is now adored and celebrated by three sons.
I never met my biological father and probably never will. My mother wasn't consistently involved in my life. It hurt to see parents taking an interest in their children during high school, but I endured under the false hope that as soon as I got to college, everyone would be as independent as I was. I was in for a surprise when I saw parents moving their children into dorms at Yale, coming to campus for parents' weekend, and still maintaining close bonds.
Everyone told me how well I was doing and practically had me on a pedestal, so I didn't know how to reconcile the psychology research showing the negative outcomes of children from fatherless homes with my own experience. Wasn't I excelling even though I didn't know my father? I couldn't possibly be messed up.
I had to run to The Father, God, before I knew how broken I was. I was suffering on the inside and had been engaging in a lot of self-destructive behaviors that weren't shameful to my peer group in college, but were eating away at my soul. It took coming to faith in Jesus Christ to realize that I needed to forgive, repent and accept the restorative love of God my Father.
After coming to faith, the protection I had throughout my life made sense. God gives extra protection to the fatherless. For example, Psalms 68:5 states: "Father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling". And Deuteronomy 10:18 states "He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the foreigner residing among you, giving them food and clothing." That's my birthday verse as I was born on October 18. :)
Rob, both your adoptive and biological fathers fell short, but please know that your Father God is perfect. He wants to adopt you into his perfect family and make you a child of God. There's no tax. No debt to pay. That's already been paid at the cross. Psalms 27:10 NIV states: "Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me." When we accept Jesus we are adopted into God's family. This adoption is by a perfect father - God. Ephesians 1:5 states that God "...predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will".
We just need to A) admit we have sinned and this sin separates us from God, B) believe that Jesus came, died and rose from the dead to save us and C) confess that Jesus is Lord and commit your life to Him.
Today, I still have broken pieces, but I know I'm a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17) and I'm deeply loved forever (Romans 8:38-39). God's grace is sufficient for me because God's power is made perfect in weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9). I know that God will eventually wipe every tear (Revelation 21:4).
I also want to say again that you were so blessed to have your grandma. Was she your adoptive mom's mom? She seems like she was a beautiful, strong woman of God. She most certainly loved you and prayed for you. Like your grandma, we are also learning the importance of being able to recite the parables at church now, not word for word, but thought for thought.
> In modern developed countries, perhaps 1-5% of young men would happily, regardless of situational factors, leave their kid and baby mama to seek freedom and sexual variety. But around 30-60% of young men would be open to being a deadbeat, provided there were no stigma or judgment or penalty. Which we are now learning.
I get the point- society encourages better outcomes for its members through social pressure - in this case through fathers - but what is the basis from these numbers ?
I wish I could find someone out there like you writing for those of us who grew up without a mother. Boy's fathers might be a source of wisdom, but a girl's mother is supposed to be a source of unconditional love. All the books and stories I have found address the pain of loss of a mother from early death, none the pain from the loss from abandonment. Most people cannot even fathom it. In any case, thank you for writing on this difficult subject. You will no doubt be a wonderful father because of it.
Kali, Rob's "twin" here. Not biologically, but experientially. I'm starting to write about my mother on my Substack. Here's a note from last week about my mom on what would have been her 64th birthday. https://substack.com/@crystalgayle/note/c-125050662
My mom passed away when I was 37. She abandoned and neglected me throughout my life on and off from her drug addiction. The post is how I came to love her through God's grace and learning how to forgive. There's a different kind of pain that comes from repeated and consistent abandonment and many attempts to restore a relationship.
I also have hundreds of pages of her own writing, which I hope to turn into something beautiful one day. It's can be very emotionally draining to revisit these memories.
Great post. This is why I wrote this proposal to help men. We should ensure all boys and young men have older men in their lives as mentors and father figures. Is a huge disadvantage for boys to grow up with and sort of masculine role model to look up to, and yet that’s the case for so many in our country.
“Father knows best”. Perhaps (in accordance with many traditional upbringings) mothers believe the value they bring to the family is love and affection where fathers believe they bring knowledge and financial stability, so are more likely to pass on their knowledge.
Hi Rob, I love your quest for meaningful purposeful living. I like that its through the lens of intellectual knowledge and yet still talking about common every man(women) concepts and lived experiences. Happy Future Dad Day!
I used to watch the Joe Buck interview show, Undeniable, where he sat down with sports legends and discussed what made them so great. Most of the interviews I watched were with male sports legends - probably all but one actually - and a somewhat subtle common thread I noted was that their fathers were a significant piece of their greatness. And it generally played out in two ways - either the father was absent and they seemed to be trying to prove their worthiness to their absent father or they were very close to their father and part of their desire to be great was for the father they loved. Those interviews clarified for me how deeply important fathers are to sons.
Great thoughts on fatherhood and its optimality for families, and society. My alcoholic, occasionally wife beating Dad was often not there for me, but often was. Mostly a good example of what not to be.
My four kids seem to be doing fine, tho mostly due to their fine mother. It’s important for the husband to help the mother of his kids be happy, and to be a good example for the kids.
If you’re a good person, and loving to your family, you’ll be a good Dad—if you want to be. More important is to be a good husband, so to find and marry a good wife. Then shift the work-life balance to more priority on better family life, less on work. Good Luck.
a) It's beautiful that your former First Sergeant recognized that the dinner out was more fun for the family than for him but played along anyway. One of those little sacrifices that he was probably inwardly pleased to make.
b) Yes, i think both sexes of parents are equally likely to give good advice. I am sure that my Mother's words pop into my head many times a day.
My father died when I was 3. Fortunately my mother was an RN so she was able to go back to work. She raised 4 kids by herself. Nurses didn't make that much back then so money was always tight, but we always had our needs met. Father's day was always a day that I liked to forget about.
Not have a 2-parent family definitely can affect the kids, and it did in our family but still kids can sometimes rise above it. Two of us have master's degrees and my brother became a lawyer. One of my sisters got married at an early age and by-passed college. We all have emotional scars, but we are doing o.k. I could write a lot more, but I will stop here.
You are going to be a great father. I married a guy who had not one but two terrible dads. One vicious and cruel, undermining, the other an egomaniac who wanted a lapdog. He is like neither and forgave both. He is now adored and celebrated by three sons.
⚡️Bravo Henderson, thanks again⚡️I hope that you may have a chance to be a father.
Yeah, who knew Father’s Day is not about fathers😂 for me it is a celebration about the importance of family and more importantly, FAMILY UNITY.
As the children age, however, they do more and more thoughtful things for me as their father.
As a father who works hard for his family in every way, every day, I expect to receive respect and appreciation from my entire family, everyday.
Father’s Day is just a reminder of the standard.
I never met my biological father and probably never will. My mother wasn't consistently involved in my life. It hurt to see parents taking an interest in their children during high school, but I endured under the false hope that as soon as I got to college, everyone would be as independent as I was. I was in for a surprise when I saw parents moving their children into dorms at Yale, coming to campus for parents' weekend, and still maintaining close bonds.
Everyone told me how well I was doing and practically had me on a pedestal, so I didn't know how to reconcile the psychology research showing the negative outcomes of children from fatherless homes with my own experience. Wasn't I excelling even though I didn't know my father? I couldn't possibly be messed up.
I had to run to The Father, God, before I knew how broken I was. I was suffering on the inside and had been engaging in a lot of self-destructive behaviors that weren't shameful to my peer group in college, but were eating away at my soul. It took coming to faith in Jesus Christ to realize that I needed to forgive, repent and accept the restorative love of God my Father.
After coming to faith, the protection I had throughout my life made sense. God gives extra protection to the fatherless. For example, Psalms 68:5 states: "Father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling". And Deuteronomy 10:18 states "He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the foreigner residing among you, giving them food and clothing." That's my birthday verse as I was born on October 18. :)
Rob, both your adoptive and biological fathers fell short, but please know that your Father God is perfect. He wants to adopt you into his perfect family and make you a child of God. There's no tax. No debt to pay. That's already been paid at the cross. Psalms 27:10 NIV states: "Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me." When we accept Jesus we are adopted into God's family. This adoption is by a perfect father - God. Ephesians 1:5 states that God "...predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will".
We just need to A) admit we have sinned and this sin separates us from God, B) believe that Jesus came, died and rose from the dead to save us and C) confess that Jesus is Lord and commit your life to Him.
Today, I still have broken pieces, but I know I'm a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17) and I'm deeply loved forever (Romans 8:38-39). God's grace is sufficient for me because God's power is made perfect in weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9). I know that God will eventually wipe every tear (Revelation 21:4).
I also want to say again that you were so blessed to have your grandma. Was she your adoptive mom's mom? She seems like she was a beautiful, strong woman of God. She most certainly loved you and prayed for you. Like your grandma, we are also learning the importance of being able to recite the parables at church now, not word for word, but thought for thought.
Really interesting as always.
I had a question as to this statement?
> In modern developed countries, perhaps 1-5% of young men would happily, regardless of situational factors, leave their kid and baby mama to seek freedom and sexual variety. But around 30-60% of young men would be open to being a deadbeat, provided there were no stigma or judgment or penalty. Which we are now learning.
I get the point- society encourages better outcomes for its members through social pressure - in this case through fathers - but what is the basis from these numbers ?
I wish I could find someone out there like you writing for those of us who grew up without a mother. Boy's fathers might be a source of wisdom, but a girl's mother is supposed to be a source of unconditional love. All the books and stories I have found address the pain of loss of a mother from early death, none the pain from the loss from abandonment. Most people cannot even fathom it. In any case, thank you for writing on this difficult subject. You will no doubt be a wonderful father because of it.
Kali, Rob's "twin" here. Not biologically, but experientially. I'm starting to write about my mother on my Substack. Here's a note from last week about my mom on what would have been her 64th birthday. https://substack.com/@crystalgayle/note/c-125050662
My mom passed away when I was 37. She abandoned and neglected me throughout my life on and off from her drug addiction. The post is how I came to love her through God's grace and learning how to forgive. There's a different kind of pain that comes from repeated and consistent abandonment and many attempts to restore a relationship.
I also have hundreds of pages of her own writing, which I hope to turn into something beautiful one day. It's can be very emotionally draining to revisit these memories.
And this might also be relevant: https://www.robkhenderson.com/p/a-tax-on-life/comment/126212164
Great post. This is why I wrote this proposal to help men. We should ensure all boys and young men have older men in their lives as mentors and father figures. Is a huge disadvantage for boys to grow up with and sort of masculine role model to look up to, and yet that’s the case for so many in our country.
https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/what-we-should-do-to-help-men
One day you'll be a father and you'll make your kids world richer.
“Father knows best”. Perhaps (in accordance with many traditional upbringings) mothers believe the value they bring to the family is love and affection where fathers believe they bring knowledge and financial stability, so are more likely to pass on their knowledge.
Hi Rob, I love your quest for meaningful purposeful living. I like that its through the lens of intellectual knowledge and yet still talking about common every man(women) concepts and lived experiences. Happy Future Dad Day!
I used to watch the Joe Buck interview show, Undeniable, where he sat down with sports legends and discussed what made them so great. Most of the interviews I watched were with male sports legends - probably all but one actually - and a somewhat subtle common thread I noted was that their fathers were a significant piece of their greatness. And it generally played out in two ways - either the father was absent and they seemed to be trying to prove their worthiness to their absent father or they were very close to their father and part of their desire to be great was for the father they loved. Those interviews clarified for me how deeply important fathers are to sons.
Thanks for being honest Rob, even when it's not flattering to men.
Great thoughts on fatherhood and its optimality for families, and society. My alcoholic, occasionally wife beating Dad was often not there for me, but often was. Mostly a good example of what not to be.
My four kids seem to be doing fine, tho mostly due to their fine mother. It’s important for the husband to help the mother of his kids be happy, and to be a good example for the kids.
If you’re a good person, and loving to your family, you’ll be a good Dad—if you want to be. More important is to be a good husband, so to find and marry a good wife. Then shift the work-life balance to more priority on better family life, less on work. Good Luck.
a) It's beautiful that your former First Sergeant recognized that the dinner out was more fun for the family than for him but played along anyway. One of those little sacrifices that he was probably inwardly pleased to make.
b) Yes, i think both sexes of parents are equally likely to give good advice. I am sure that my Mother's words pop into my head many times a day.
My father died when I was 3. Fortunately my mother was an RN so she was able to go back to work. She raised 4 kids by herself. Nurses didn't make that much back then so money was always tight, but we always had our needs met. Father's day was always a day that I liked to forget about.
Not have a 2-parent family definitely can affect the kids, and it did in our family but still kids can sometimes rise above it. Two of us have master's degrees and my brother became a lawyer. One of my sisters got married at an early age and by-passed college. We all have emotional scars, but we are doing o.k. I could write a lot more, but I will stop here.
Upper class fatherlessness happens in the context of female same sex families with donor-conceived kids. Hurts them too.