For Some Reason We Have Decided To Supply Young People With Endless Advice About Education and Careers, But Fail To Equip Them With Important Knowledge About Sex And Romance

An honest conversation with Richard Hanania

I recently spoke with Richard Hanania about dating, relationships, the psychology of incels, and the sexual marketplace. Lots of great advice here, particularly for young men. Below is the transcript, lightly edited, with highlights of our conversation. Over on his Substack, Richard has the audio and video of the podcast. I’m trying to get Substack to allow my paid subscribers to get access to our gated podcast conversations that Richard hosts on his site. For now, though, I’ll share these transcripts.

Rob: One thought that has occurred to me about why men and maybe to some extent women, but more so men, are so frustrated about dating is because everything else in life is so easy. Every other basic need is easily satisfied. You have clean water at the flick of a switch. Food—you tap a couple of buttons on your phone, and someone delivers you Uber Eats. You’re warm, you’re sheltered, every other need is instantly and immediately met. But it’s just this one area of romance and sex that’s still very difficult to fulfill. You still have to work for it. You’ll see podcasters talking about sex and relationships, they’ll interview an evolutionary psychologist. And in the comments section, there are a few guys who are like, "I can’t wait for the robot GFs to arrive. Just hang on tight, boys, the robot GFs are coming." And to me, that’s the mindset of, “I just want Door Dash to deliver me a girlfriend. Everything else in my life is so easy to obtain. I just need this one more thing to be easy.” If you want to have a relationship, if you want a girlfriend, or if you want to have sex, you are going to have to take some risks and put in the work. When it comes to intimacy and sex and those kinds of things, if you want zero risk whatsoever, then the cost is going to be you don’t get a girlfriend, you don’t get laid. There is no world where you can have a girlfriend and also not put in any serious effort.

Richard: If these guys had the perfect sex robots, they wouldn’t be happy. Because they could visit prostitutes, even though it’s illegal. They could get a sex doll. I think what they are really angry about is the social rejection. It’s the fact that nobody wants them. Nobody will sleep with them. Because, look, you could have all the porn in the world, or sex dolls today. But there are ways to get the sex, if that’s your concern. But I think it’s the lack of sex plus the humiliation of, like, they did not choose you. 

Rob: Not only did you not get chosen, but women chose someone else other than you. It’s one thing if she doesn’t choose you and she just isn’t choosing anyone at all, but she chose that other guy over you. And I think that’s especially painful for a lot of bitter guys. 

Richard: If nobody else was having sex in the world, I think it would hurt a lot less. I want to write—maybe I’ll write something once because this is a thought I’ve had for a very long time. It’s like the most honest feedback you’re ever going to get in life as a man. You could go to people and say, "Am I a good looking guy? Am I a nice guy? Am I smart?" People will be nice and say, "Yes, anyone would be lucky to have you." Anyone is going to get that. If people feel anything for you, if they have any concern for your feelings, they’re going to do that. The one thing that’s an objective test of what people actually think of your fitness as a human being, even friendships are not like that. The most objective feedback you’re getting from the universe as to whether you are fit for this universe is whether women are sleeping with you.

Rob: Is that true? I guess in a Darwinian sense.

Richard: Well, I’m being hyperbolic. Okay. It’s like whether you—what are women looking for? Looks, money somewhat, personality, estimating how your personality appeals to other people, so social proof and things like that. And so she’s taking the entire package and saying, "Come in or get out," right? There’s going to be some women who like a certain kind of guy. I mean, in my life, some women who are very pretty really liked me. And there’s some women who didn’t. It just doesn’t click. But if you’re the kind of guy who... this type of moment, the blondes or the brunettes or the blacks or the Asians or the fat or the skinny. The younger, the older, all turn you away. That’s tough to deal with. That is a psychological problem. I think the lack of sex is the least of it. I really think that this is the sexual marketplace of ideas. The sexual marketplace is the most brutal, nastiest thing we have in modern life. It’s like the one vestige of caveman life. The marketplace is not a bed of roses for women either. But from the male perspective, it’s just so harsh.

Rob Henderson: Have you read this book, Very Important People: Status and Beauty in the Global Party Circuit? Tyler Cowen recommended it a couple of years ago and I read it. It’s written by a sociologist named Ashley Mears. She’s an attractive sociologist who went undercover in the nightclub model world. And she describes how a group of girls will try to get into a nightclub. And the doormen are just brutally saying, "Your thighs are too fat," or whatever. Just very cold, very harsh. Some girls get in, some girls don’t. And it’s just 100% based on how hot you are. Nothing else matters, especially in the nightclub environment. You can’t even display your personality in an environment like that. It really is, are you hot or not? Now, not every social environment is a nightclub, but women do get rated far more on looks. For sexual and romantic evaluation, it’s different for men. Because evaluation is more superficial for women, because it’s mostly about appearance, at least as a woman you can say, well, we live in this very unfair world where women are judged by our looks, but I still have my personality and interests and other attributes that others don’t even get to see, I’m being unfairly judged but they don’t even know who I really am. As a woman, you don’t get feedback as a full human being. Whereas as a man, you’re getting judged on everything. We’re judging you to some extent on your looks, not as much as women, but a bit on your looks. But then, on your personality, your income, your job, your sense of humor, your vibe, everything else. You’re being evaluated in a more holistic way, and then we’re saying no, we’ve evaluated you as a human being, not just your appearance and your body and haircut or whatever—and everything about you sucks. So rejection in some ways might be harder on men.