I Have Yet to Hear a Satisfactory Answer For Why Adults Care What Young People Think

Maybe they just want to be the cool mom

On Bill Maher’s new podcast Club Random, he recently spoke with Dr. Drew Pinsky. Along with millions of other millennials, I grew up listening to Dr. Drew on Loveline in the early/mid-2000s.

I listened closely when Dr. Drew began speaking to Maher about generational divides:

“There’s an interesting piece here. When we were young, we didn’t want to be ‘The Man.’ It wasn’t cool to be The Man. Our generation [Baby Boomers] grew up not wanting to be the adult. Now college administrators refuse to be the adult because they remember when they were in college and were demonstrating against their college administrators, and they don’t want to be like them.”

During my recent re-watch of the entirety of Mad Men, which takes place in the 1960s, a recurring thought entered my mind: This was the last generation where young adults behaved like they were older than their real age. Don Draper is around thirty-five at the start of the series, and carries himself in a more adult manner than many 45 year olds today.

Recently, Abigail Shrier quoted a physician and psychologist who stated that “Fifty years ago, boys wanted to be men. But today, many American men want to be boys.”

Until the early 1960s, young people acted older than their actual age. Now, older adults pretend to be younger than their actual age.

Which is perhaps one reason why boomers are so easy to mock. They don’t act their age.

An article in the Wall Street Journal reports:

“Aging baby boomers are…struggling with a bunch of issues…One of the most vexing issues they face is deciding what they want to be called by their grandchildren, lest it make them sound -- and feel -- old…Ms. Wilkofsky has decided to be called Glamma, as in glamorous grandmother, a name suggested by one of her girlfriends. Her husband, Steven, a 58-year-old doctor, said he didn't want a typical grandfatherly name, either, because ‘I still feel like I am 25.’ So he chose to go by ‘Papa Doc.’”

And here’s an article from the New York Times:

“However mightily my peers may pine for grandchildren and adore them when they arrive, some don’t want to acknowledge being old enough to be dubbed Grandpop or Granny. Such names conjure up gray hair and orthopedic shoes, along with a status our society may honor in the abstract but few boomers actually welcome.”

A few months after the student eruptions at Yale in 2015, I met up with a professor for coffee.

He described how he’d made some public remarks in favor of free speech. This was during a period where activists and protestors on campus were calling for two professors to be fired.

He then told me how hurt he was to be on the receiving end of some nasty insults online and from emails from various students because of his remarks.

I walked away from that discussion thinking, this person is a tenured professor at one of the top universities in the world. Why does he care what a bunch of undergrads think?

It made no sense to me.

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About two years later, I was at a breakfast gathering with some other students on campus. Our guest was a former governor and presidential candidate. He was gracious, and spent most of the time answering questions from students.

And in his answers, he continually returned to variations of the same response: “We screwed up, and it's up to you guys to fix it. I'm so happy to see how bright you all are and how sharp your questions have been, because you will fix the mistakes my generation made.”

This mystified me. This guy was well into his sixties, with a lifetime of unique experiences in leadership roles, was telling a bunch of 20-year-olds (though I was a little older) that older adults are relying on them.

In the military, we thought of those senior to us as the leaders. It was okay to give feedback, of course. Commanding officers would regularly consult lower ranking and enlisted members to see what was working and what could be improved. But that happens only after getting through the filter of the initial training endeavors.

I remember in the first week of basic training, our instructor declared, “I don’t want any of you [expletive] thinking you are doing anyone a favor being here. I could get rid of all of you clowns and have your replacements here within the hour.” (This was 2007, well before the recruitment crisis).

My 17-year-old brain heard that thought, yeah, he’s probably right. I thought of the bus loads of other ungainly young guys I saw stepping off and being confronted with "Pick 'em up, and put 'em down” and other mind games from the instructors while waiting in the endless in-processing lines.

So then I got to college and learned that even though any seat, at least at selective schools, can be filled immediately with a bright applicant (top colleges reject thousands of them each year), students are never ejected for disrespecting professors or anyone else. In the military the first message was, you are a peon and less than nothing and we can easily have you replaced (this changes as you advance in rank, of course—at least to some degree). In college, the first message was, you are amazing and privileged and a future leader (and marginalized and erased) and you will never lose your position here among the future ruling class. That feeling of whiplash will forever linger in my mind.

The author and psychiatrist Iain McGilchrist has said:

“In the old days young people went to university to learn from people who were perhaps three times their age and had read an enormous amount. But nowadays they go in order to tell those older people what they should be thinking and what they should be saying.”

There may be a class element. Growing up, I don’t recall adults caring what kids thought. Not that this is always such a great thing. Parents and guardians were often neglectful or totally checked out, not really caring what kids were into or up to. School bus drivers regularly told kids to shut the fuck up. Teachers had little time for kids’ interests. There was one teacher in one of my elementary schools in 2000 who knew what Pokémon was (he didn’t pronounce it as “Po-kee Man”) and by default that made him the “cool” teacher.

The educated class seems to have gone too far in the other direction. They care too much what kids think. Poor kids have neglectful parents; rich kids have helicopter parents.

For better or worse, culture is largely dictated by this educated class.

Older people in this category are now reluctant to say that they have accrued some knowledge and something useful to share. Some wisdom to impart. There is a massive hunger among young people for this. Part of the reason they behave so erratically is to test where the line is, and to see what knowledge older people can share to steady their anxieties.

Older adults are reluctant to exert authority. They want the prestige that comes with having power. But they don’t want the responsibility of exerting it when challenged by a bunch of naive and pampered kids who have faced zero percent of real life and its attendant hardships.

In Envy: A Theory of Social Behaviour, Helmut Schoeck wrote:

“In the United States cases of vandalism involving the children of the middle and upper middle classes are becoming more frequent…the culprits may be turning against too perfect an environment which they did not themselves help to create. They are trying to see how much grown-ups are prepared to stomach.”

In other words, young people act out to see what they can get away with. They want to test boundaries. Which older adults are often unwilling to enforce because they want so badly to be liked by younger people.

Some young adults can sense this, which emboldens them.

That is, while some young people are implicitly seeking guidance when they act out, others act out because they experience glee when they taunt older adults.

Remember: People score the highest on Dark Triad personality traits (psychopathy, narcissism, and Machiavellianism) when they are in their late teens and early twenties.

Older adults crave validation from the youth, which is one reason they are mocked. Young people sense their desire to be seen as cool and deprive them of this by taunting them.

This desire for esteem may be why older adults won’t exert any authority in response to energetic young conflict entrepreneurs who yell at them or threaten them.

Older adults want to be on the side of youth. So desperate to pencil themselves out of the “old” category. Every parent wants to be the “cool parent,” every professor wants to be the “cool” professor. You can be cool and still be an authority figure. Maybe decades of imbibing the worst of U.S. pop culture made everyone forget this.

Near the end of their conversation, Bill Maher said to Dr. Drew:

“Other cultures figured out that older people are generally wiser. The more days you live, the more things you know. When you’re young you have beauty and when you’re old you have wisdom. Only this dumb country wants to posit wisdom and beauty in youth.”