My 21 year old son, who has dated several women at college, said last week he had finally asked someone out. I was flabbergasted that this was the first! What a culture shift.
My problem was with women who wanted to turn me down, but couldn’t bring themselves to do so clearly.
There is another N word for some women that ends with O and has nothing in between. They can’t bring themselves to use it, even when followed by _thank you_.
I didn’t like to treat any ambiguity as a _no_, even though it was safer. False positives are bad, but I _really_ dislike false negatives. When I did get a polite, clear, refusal, I made sure to say “Ah, well, it was worth asking.”
Ladies, if all this information about how terrifying it is to approach you makes you feel bad about turning him down, don’t make it worse with an ambiguous refusal. Be polite and clear. He might not thank you for it, but then again, he might.
Wow, Rob I think you really gave men some really great advice here. Your tips about better grooming are spot on. Most women aren't fans of facial hair as it suggests a nest of vermin hiding out in the shrubbery or some debris from the last snack. It was such a nice idea to take your date to the Mall to help you pick out a new jacket. It indicates to her that you value her opinion while also engaging in an activity in public with a goal that doesn't require romantic pressure - brilliant. Your suggestions about dressing neatly and cleanly are also very apt. People who are sloppy or dirty are often interpreted as having a lack of awareness or being indifferent or contemptuous as to what other think. Also, making yourself interesting by having interests that others might share like animals, musical skill, etc (NOT video games or porn). Your advice shows a lot of thoughtfulness and willingness to put yourself into someone else's shoes. Appreciated.
Always … or you’ll never see her again … (haven’t read it yet)
Read it now, good advice.
Back in the 90s when I was in high school, I was constantly trying to play matchmaker (for myself and my friends). Even the kid everyone teased as “gay” I was trying to setup with a girl…
The “gay” kid turned out gay.
Met my wife in 93…summer after HS.
Met through mutual friends—spoke on the phone first.
As soon as we met I jumped on it and told my friends I’m going to marry that girl…
and I did.
Bravo. Here’s to hoping Rob’s love interest is working out…
There is some parallel hell that is the media narrated realm of the "professional woman". It seems that these women are trapped in it and will never be satisfied until the drag everyone else into it too.
Nothing makes me happier than to think of these cretins lonely and unloved as they deserve.
Don't be cruel. They were conned, or conned themselves. Feminism (like everything else) took a wrong turn in the '80s when it went corporate, and narrowed down from wanting to be recognized as a full human being to wanting to be a man-mimicking competitive executive in a power suit. (A few are naturally cut out for that.)
Are these women to be perpetual victims conned and influenced by others to behave in ways that are both reprehensible and destructive? If they are such fine tools, they should be locked in the shed.
Women don’t want to ask guys out and prefer to be asked out. This is the conundrum of modern Western women. They want equality in all of our affairs except for romance, this they want on on their terms but don’t want to engage in the effort necessary on both sides.
Many women in the modern world of now make a living, work intensely and engage in all kinds of activities, travels, and hobbies that allow them to develop a sense of competency through externally focused effort. Yet, when it comes to dating, more and more women want men to not only initiate and set up a date and relationship dynamics, but create, hold and further those structures while women show up, without reciprocity and complimentary effort.
This is great stuff! I can also say from experience for those guys out there: as long as you're cool about whole process, the the most common thing that happens when you get rejected is that the woman thanks you for approaching. Write about all the stuff you mention on my substack as well: get in better shape, increase your value, gain status, and give yourself more opportunities! For those who are curious https://getbettersoon.substack.com/
On the journalist, it’s clearly not a crime to ask anybody for their phone number, so Being Arrested shouldn’t be on the table at all. It sure does seem unprofessional, so it might be in contradiction with his employer’s Code of Conduct or such.
On the other hand, being willing to violate a norm in order to express huge interest in a cute girl is pretty attractive to most girls (at least many).
Guys should want to get into conversations with girls, and not just into their pants. Talking together is what most couples do the most of.
Your advice on looking good is very very important, and excellent. I followed that plan before getting married 30 years ago — and haven’t bought a coat or suit since then without my wife’s approval. As noted, going as a friend to buy a coat or a shirt is a great way to get to know more about each other, and an easy way to impress her by buying according to her recommendation. If you’re not comfy with that, you’re probably not fated to be comfy together.
The old adage still holds, "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."
Will everyone work, NO, will some, probably, if your talking to someone, and they actually interest you, let them know and see if they wish to meet again.
You are also allowed to say no, if the woman has no appeal for you.
The problem is not about phone number that represents an interesting or a bland connection. It is so hard, after all is over, when one cannot forget a certain phone number for the rest of her or his life...
This is delightful from the perspective of someone for whom it's (you'd think) all in the past, but it must be torture for young people who have so little experience or help leaping the yawning gap between texts/dating apps and 3-D, fleshly encounters.
You may be stepping into Jordan Peterson's shoes here, but more laid-back. Jordan seems like he would have more trouble asking a woman out than his advisees.
As a bonus, when you get old (live long and prosper) you can write the version for single old people!
My 21 year old son, who has dated several women at college, said last week he had finally asked someone out. I was flabbergasted that this was the first! What a culture shift.
My problem was with women who wanted to turn me down, but couldn’t bring themselves to do so clearly.
There is another N word for some women that ends with O and has nothing in between. They can’t bring themselves to use it, even when followed by _thank you_.
I didn’t like to treat any ambiguity as a _no_, even though it was safer. False positives are bad, but I _really_ dislike false negatives. When I did get a polite, clear, refusal, I made sure to say “Ah, well, it was worth asking.”
Ladies, if all this information about how terrifying it is to approach you makes you feel bad about turning him down, don’t make it worse with an ambiguous refusal. Be polite and clear. He might not thank you for it, but then again, he might.
I hated this post. I'm 65, married for 36 years, and there's no way I will ever get to use this excellent advice. Wish I had known this at 18, Rob!
Wow, Rob I think you really gave men some really great advice here. Your tips about better grooming are spot on. Most women aren't fans of facial hair as it suggests a nest of vermin hiding out in the shrubbery or some debris from the last snack. It was such a nice idea to take your date to the Mall to help you pick out a new jacket. It indicates to her that you value her opinion while also engaging in an activity in public with a goal that doesn't require romantic pressure - brilliant. Your suggestions about dressing neatly and cleanly are also very apt. People who are sloppy or dirty are often interpreted as having a lack of awareness or being indifferent or contemptuous as to what other think. Also, making yourself interesting by having interests that others might share like animals, musical skill, etc (NOT video games or porn). Your advice shows a lot of thoughtfulness and willingness to put yourself into someone else's shoes. Appreciated.
Always … or you’ll never see her again … (haven’t read it yet)
Read it now, good advice.
Back in the 90s when I was in high school, I was constantly trying to play matchmaker (for myself and my friends). Even the kid everyone teased as “gay” I was trying to setup with a girl…
The “gay” kid turned out gay.
Met my wife in 93…summer after HS.
Met through mutual friends—spoke on the phone first.
As soon as we met I jumped on it and told my friends I’m going to marry that girl…
and I did.
Bravo. Here’s to hoping Rob’s love interest is working out…
The first rule of sales is: "If you don't ask, you're always stuck at no".
There is some parallel hell that is the media narrated realm of the "professional woman". It seems that these women are trapped in it and will never be satisfied until the drag everyone else into it too.
Nothing makes me happier than to think of these cretins lonely and unloved as they deserve.
Don't be cruel. They were conned, or conned themselves. Feminism (like everything else) took a wrong turn in the '80s when it went corporate, and narrowed down from wanting to be recognized as a full human being to wanting to be a man-mimicking competitive executive in a power suit. (A few are naturally cut out for that.)
Are these women to be perpetual victims conned and influenced by others to behave in ways that are both reprehensible and destructive? If they are such fine tools, they should be locked in the shed.
Women don’t want to ask guys out and prefer to be asked out. This is the conundrum of modern Western women. They want equality in all of our affairs except for romance, this they want on on their terms but don’t want to engage in the effort necessary on both sides.
Many women in the modern world of now make a living, work intensely and engage in all kinds of activities, travels, and hobbies that allow them to develop a sense of competency through externally focused effort. Yet, when it comes to dating, more and more women want men to not only initiate and set up a date and relationship dynamics, but create, hold and further those structures while women show up, without reciprocity and complimentary effort.
Hard to have your cake and eat it.
Would be interested to know what kind of dog . . . thinking a little white one sends the wrong signal?
This is great stuff! I can also say from experience for those guys out there: as long as you're cool about whole process, the the most common thing that happens when you get rejected is that the woman thanks you for approaching. Write about all the stuff you mention on my substack as well: get in better shape, increase your value, gain status, and give yourself more opportunities! For those who are curious https://getbettersoon.substack.com/
First, great advice.
On the journalist, it’s clearly not a crime to ask anybody for their phone number, so Being Arrested shouldn’t be on the table at all. It sure does seem unprofessional, so it might be in contradiction with his employer’s Code of Conduct or such.
On the other hand, being willing to violate a norm in order to express huge interest in a cute girl is pretty attractive to most girls (at least many).
Guys should want to get into conversations with girls, and not just into their pants. Talking together is what most couples do the most of.
Your advice on looking good is very very important, and excellent. I followed that plan before getting married 30 years ago — and haven’t bought a coat or suit since then without my wife’s approval. As noted, going as a friend to buy a coat or a shirt is a great way to get to know more about each other, and an easy way to impress her by buying according to her recommendation. If you’re not comfy with that, you’re probably not fated to be comfy together.
Pretty much no.
The old adage still holds, "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."
Will everyone work, NO, will some, probably, if your talking to someone, and they actually interest you, let them know and see if they wish to meet again.
You are also allowed to say no, if the woman has no appeal for you.
The problem is not about phone number that represents an interesting or a bland connection. It is so hard, after all is over, when one cannot forget a certain phone number for the rest of her or his life...
This is delightful from the perspective of someone for whom it's (you'd think) all in the past, but it must be torture for young people who have so little experience or help leaping the yawning gap between texts/dating apps and 3-D, fleshly encounters.
You may be stepping into Jordan Peterson's shoes here, but more laid-back. Jordan seems like he would have more trouble asking a woman out than his advisees.
As a bonus, when you get old (live long and prosper) you can write the version for single old people!
Is it ever to not ask a woman for her number?